Coping with any type of loss is challenging. When a loved one leaves the planet it can be difficult to resume normal activities including work. In career counseling we talk a lot about managing multiple life roles such as worker, partner, self-care practitioner, athlete, caregiver and artist. In August of this year I added griever to my list of life roles and this is what I learned.
Accepting a role you did not choose is also an act of accepting how it affects other life roles. As a career counselor, I teach clients about the stages of grief (Kubler-Ross) and I participated in a grief group decades ago. When grief suddenly caused constant fatigue, I had to adjust the amount of time and effort I gave to other life roles. Compartmentalizing or attempting to leave grief at home is neither healthy nor realistic. Because humans bring our whole selves to work, I took a lot of Mondays and Fridays off. Scheduling more time for self-care and less time to extra projects and activities was necessary.
Communicating with friends and colleagues was helpful in setting boundaries and expectations. I was very fortunate to have paid vacation time and I was able to work shorter weeks. When I was offered opportunities to do interesting projects, I told co-workers that I was doing less work for a few months. It wasn’t a hard no, more of a not right now. I socialized less, planned less trips and committed to holding more space for my healing.
I wouldn’t be a very good counselor if I didn’t take my own advice about getting support. I attended support groups, called friends, journalled, meditated, moved my body and allowed others to help me. One friend reminded me that I was allowed to hold less space or no space for other people’s problems. This permission to reserve my healing energy for myself was liberating. Adopting a “me first” attitude for a few months resulted in many acts of kindness toward myself.
That kindness took the form of surfing, hiking, dancing and reconnecting with nature. Riding the winter swells of the beautiful Pacific Ocean was the best medicine. Feeling that ebb and flow while paddling out reminded me that life, careers and relationships have highs and lows. Nature is in constant flux and this too shall pass. Hiking around the California mountains, lakes and deserts got me to notice the wonder of wildflowers, trees, rocks and big horn sheep. Playing in nature’s playground took my mind back to childhood and that distraction was a welcome salve.
Similar to changes in nature, my grief is changing. Spring is coming and I have more energy for other life roles, people and projects. I also have a healthy respect for the “messy” stages of the grieving process. I know that it is not over and sadness can be triggered by a sound, touch, taste or any experience that might seem benign to others. If I allow myself to feel all of my emotions this loss can be transformative. I am not grieving perfectly, but just knowing that I have the tools to move through the bad days helps. If you or a friend is experiencing loss or grief SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish).
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